Don't Skip the Process

Have you ever felt like you end up in the same situation over and over again?  Maybe you find yourself in a job that seems is going to end in your termination.  Or maybe you discover that the problems in your new relationship are identical to your past relationship problems.  In our personal and professional life, if we don’t learn the lesson that we’re supposed to, we may find ourselves repeating the same scenario until we do.  Learning a lesson results in growth and change on our part.  In order to understand a lesson, we have to go through the process of the pain, experience, learning, and growth.  If you skip the process, then the experience was not beneficial for your professional or personal growth, and you will find yourself in the same situation, just in a different location with different people. 

How do you know you have skipped the process?

1. You blame others.  If you point the finger at the other person or persons for the reason you experienced pain, difficulty, or stress, you probably have skipped the process.  No matter how badly we have been treated, it is likely that we could have improved in our response to the situation in some way or even avoided the situation altogether.  When we have a negative experience, we have to understand the role that we played and be able to reflect on how we can handle the situation differently should it occur again.  A person who does not believe they have done anything wrong will never change.
2. You’re still angry.  When you have experienced growth and healing from a situation, you release feelings of bitterness, resentment, and anger.  If you are still angry about how the situation played out or how a person treated you, you are not over it.  If you were to be in a similar situation in the future, not only will you have difficulty addressing it effectively, but it will trigger past feelings of hurt and resentment that may make the situation worse.
3. You run in the opposite direction.  When some people have a negative experience, they may find themselves going to extremes to avoid a similar situation.  Some may make a drastic career change.  Others may date someone who is the opposite of the significant other that hurt them.  These are avoidance behaviors.  Instead of addressing how or why a situation went wrong, you attempt to avoid the situation completely.

It can be difficult to go through the process of learning a lesson, but skipping the process results in more damage in the long run.  How can you make sure that you are not skipping the process?

1. Face the situation.
2. Reflect on the situation.  Examine the situation from all perspectives, not just your own.
3. Identify the lesson or lessons to be learned.
4. Seek advice from a mature person that is not involved in the situation and be open to their insight.
5. Accept responsibility for your actions and determine what you could have done differently.
6. Make amends with the person or persons involved in the situation.

Most of the growth that we experience is the result of life lessons.  If we skip the process of learning lessons in life, we will find ourselves growing older but never growing up.